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10 Really Good (or bad) puns
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Old Geezer



Joined: 15 Mar 2007
Posts: 526
Location: Motown The "D" Baby

PostPosted: Thu Apr 24, 2008 2:01 am    Post subject: 10 Really Good (or bad) puns Reply with quote

The ability to make and understand PUNS is the highest level of language
development. Here are the top 10 winners in the International Pun Contest.

1. A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at him and says, 'I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger.'

2. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and says, 'Dam!'

3. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly, it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it, too.

4. Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says, 'I've lost my electron.' The other says, 'Are you sure?' The first replies, 'Yes, I'm positive.'

5. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocaine during a root canal? His goal: transcend dental medication.

6. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. But why they asked, as they moved off. 'Because,' he said, 'I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer.'

7. A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption.? One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named Ahmal. The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him Juan. Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, 'They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal.'

8. A group of friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened a small florist shop to raise funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, a rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not. He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him. So, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to 'persuade' them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close up shop. Terrified, they did so, thereby proving that only Hugh can prevent florist friars.

9. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and, with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath.

This made him (Oh, man, this is SO BAD, it's good) a super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

10. And, finally, there was the person who sent ten different puns to friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.
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STROBE



Joined: 26 Jan 2007
Posts: 333
Location: BIG SKY MONTANA where the bad girls live.

PostPosted: Thu Apr 24, 2008 11:13 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Laughing Laughing Laughing Laughing
The local fire department got a call that a flock of geese were stuck in a frozen lake. So a rescue team crawled out onto the ice, pushing a boar and ice-breaking tools. They got within three yards- and the flock flew off. The men were left staring at open water.
“So how’d it go?” someone back at the station asked.
“Wild goose chase” was the reply.


Did you hear about the robbery at the police station?
Thieves stole all the toilets. The police have nothing to go on.

Did you hear the one about the termite who walked into a pub and asked, “Is the bar tender here?”


Did you hear about this family who was evicted from their tree house?
The bank says they didn’t pay their mortgage, but the family says it’s a mix-up because they recently switched branches.



Finally, after six girls, Luke’s wife had a boy. But he had only a head - nothing else. Luke didn’t care, though. He was just happy to have a boy.
On his 21st birthday, Luke took him to a bar. “A shot of your best Scotch,” he ordered
The boy drank it and - poof- he grew a neck. Amazed, Luke then ordered another and - POP - a torso sprouted. “Keep em’ coming!” Luke shouted. Eventually the boy had a whole body. Everyone cheered, his father loudest of all.
Tipsy, the boy stood on his new legs and stumbled to the left… and to the right… and out the front door and into the path of a truck.
The bar fell silent
“You know,” the bartender said. “He should’ve quit while he was a head.”

What did the stop sign say to the yield sign?
I don’t know.
I don’t know either. They were speaking in sign language.

I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.

Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He's all right now.

I couldn't quite remember how to throw a boomerang, but eventually it came back to me.

He drove his expensive car into a tree and found out how the Mercedes bends.

What did the grape say when it got stepped on? Nothing - but it let out a little whine.

There was a sign on the lawn at a drug re-hab center that said 'Keep off the Grass'.

There was once a cross-eyed teacher who couldn't control his pupils.

A prisoner's favorite punctuation mark is the period. It marks the end of his sentence.

Police were called to a daycare where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.

A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital. When his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was a nurse said 'No change yet'.










.
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Old Geezer



Joined: 15 Mar 2007
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Location: Motown The "D" Baby

PostPosted: Sat May 03, 2008 2:35 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Laughing Laughing Laughing Laughing Laughing Laughing Laughing Laughing Laughing Laughing
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Dwylbtzle



Joined: 26 Jan 2007
Posts: 4483
Location: Sun Valley, Idaho

PostPosted: Sun May 11, 2008 8:14 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

a guy wants his prize piano tuned by the best piano tuner in the world:
Opper Knockity

but Opper Knockity lives on top of a high mountain
and he doesn't make house calls
so the guy hauls his piano up to Opper Knockity's mountain piano tuning shop, on his back Mad
and gets it tuned
and it's the best tuning it ever got

but, as he's trying to carry it back down
he slips
and the piano bangs down the slope
and, when the guy gets to it
it's all out of tune again, of course

so, he drags it, laboriously, back up the mountain
only to hear that:
"OPPER KNOCKITY ONLY TUNES ONCE!"

***********************

A STRING WALKS INTO A BAR AND ORDERS A DRINK
BUT THE BARTENDER INFORMS HIM THEY DON'T SERVE STRINGS IN THIS BAR
AND ORDERS HIM OUT

THE STRING EXITS
AND RUNS AROUND THE CORNER
AND STARTS TEARING AT HIMSELF
TILL HE'S ALL FRAYED UP
AND THEN HE TIES HIMSELF INTO A KNOT

THEN, HE GOES BACK INTO THE BAR AND ORDERS A DRINK, AGAIN

"HEY! AREN'T YOU THAT STRING I JUST 86-ED OUTTA HERE, A MINUTE AGO?" THE BARTENDER ASKS, INDIGNANTLY

"NO, I'M A FRAYED KNOT"


********************

DID YOU HEAR ABOUT THE LITTLE MORON WHO SAT OUT ON THE HILL ALL NIGHT
TO SEE WHERE THE SUN WENT, EVERY EVENING?

IT FINALLY DAWNED ON HIM


*****************

A few days ago
my girlfriend made me a pair of new moccasins
and I was wearing them, as I was riding my horse around
and, suddenly a mountain lion jumped out
and started trying to bite my feet
so I shot him

and
then
yesterday
I was riding around with her
and we saw the dead mountain lion
lying, there, on the ground
and she said:
"PARDON ME, ROY...IS THAT THE CAT WHO CHEWED YER NEW SHOES?"
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Dwylbtzle



Joined: 26 Jan 2007
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Location: Sun Valley, Idaho

PostPosted: Sun May 11, 2008 8:31 am    Post subject: Reply with quote


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Dwylbtzle



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PostPosted: Sun May 11, 2008 8:32 am    Post subject: Reply with quote


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Dwylbtzle



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PostPosted: Sun May 11, 2008 8:36 am    Post subject: Reply with quote


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Old Geezer



Joined: 15 Mar 2007
Posts: 526
Location: Motown The "D" Baby

PostPosted: Thu May 15, 2008 3:24 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Mother's Day we were sitting around the table talking about Burma, and their terrible tradgedy when I off handily remarked "Are they still able to sell their shaving stuff?" My sister started screaming laughing, and my wife and kids had no clue what I was talking about.
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"When a small man casts a long shadow, it's sunset" (some Chinese wise guy, who no doubt foresaw Obama)
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Old Geezer



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PostPosted: Thu May 15, 2008 3:40 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

A pirate walked into a bar, and the bartender said, 'Hey, I haven't seen you in a while. What happened? You look terrible.'

'What do you mean?' said the pirate, 'I feel fine.'

'What about the wooden leg? You didn't have that before.'

'Well,' said the pirate, 'We were in a battle, and I got hit with a cannon ball, but I'm fine now.'

The bartender replied, 'Well, OK,, but what about that hook? What happened to your hand?'

The pirate explained, 'We were in another battle. I boarded a ship and got into a sword fight. My hand was cut off. I got fitted with a hook. I'm fine, really.'

'What about that eye patch?'

'Oh,' said the pirate, 'One day we were at sea, and a flock of birds flew over. I looked up, and one of them shit in my eye.'

'You're kidding,' said the bartender. 'You couldn't lose an eye just from bird shit.'

'It was my first day with the hook.'
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Dwylbtzle



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PostPosted: Thu May 15, 2008 5:42 am    Post subject: Reply with quote



i'm old enough to have gotten that joke!! Laughing
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Brian



Joined: 29 Aug 2007
Posts: 125
Location: Stevensville, Michigan USA

PostPosted: Thu May 15, 2008 10:43 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

A foreign staying at a hotel was awoken by the cleaning person who asks--

Would you like me to put a fresh sheet on your bed??

The foreign replies --

"You put a sheet on my bed--and I keeel you!"
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Dwylbtzle



Joined: 26 Jan 2007
Posts: 4483
Location: Sun Valley, Idaho

PostPosted: Wed May 21, 2008 1:54 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

ok
where does THIS come from:

"Oye, greengo, laugh at my leeesp
and I keeeel you...
I theeeeenk!"


******************

What did they call really good cocaine, in ancient Egypt?

Toot uncommon.

************

What did they call plumbing students in the university of ancient Egypt?

Pharaoh's fawcett majors.

************

If Olivia Newton-John married Elton John,
and then got divorced
and married Wayne Newton,
and got divorced
and then married Lawrence Olivier...
she'd be Olivia Newton-John-John-Newton-Olivier
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Old Geezer



Joined: 15 Mar 2007
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Location: Motown The "D" Baby

PostPosted: Mon May 26, 2008 4:33 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Dwylbtzle wrote:
ok
where does THIS come from:

"Oye, greengo, laugh at my leeesp
and I keeeel you...
I theeeeenk!"



It sounds like that little cartoon burro that was the sidekick of the horse, that had a alias of El Kabong.

But I can't remember either of their names.
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I am the Angry Man.

"When a small man casts a long shadow, it's sunset" (some Chinese wise guy, who no doubt foresaw Obama)
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Dwylbtzle



Joined: 26 Jan 2007
Posts: 4483
Location: Sun Valley, Idaho

PostPosted: Sun Jun 01, 2008 3:43 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

HINT--it's from a pink floyd song
and I think it was on the more album

i can't remember the title
i was hoping someone else would

it's mostly an instrumental
very short little piece...
with spanish flamenco guitar in the background
at one point you hear what seems to be some drunken mexican sucking on a lemon
doing tequila shots
and he mumbles that line
then you hear a horse galloping off into the distance
as the spanish guitar fades away

************************

Q: How do you make a cigarette lighter?
A: You take out all the tobacco.
Laughing
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Dwylbtzle



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PostPosted: Sun Jun 01, 2008 3:55 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Old Geezer wrote:
Dwylbtzle wrote:
ok
where does THIS come from:

"Oye, greengo, laugh at my leeesp
and I keeeel you...
I theeeeenk!"



It sounds like that little cartoon burro that was the sidekick of the horse, that had a alias of El Kabong.

But I can't remember either of their names.


yer thinking of Quickdraw McGraw (the horse sheriff)
and Baba Louie
(the burro)

Baba Louie used to call Quickdraw, "Queeexdraw"

and he would say "I THIN"
when he meant "I think"

and whenever Quickdraw heard that
he'd say "I'll do the THINNIN' around here Baaaaba Louie! And dooooooo--oooon't you ferGIT it!" Evil or Very Mad
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